Moving Beyond Attraction In A Relationship

Published: 18th May 2009
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There has been a lot of talk recently about the role of attraction in a relationship. I'm sure you've been in a situation like this: you are dating a woman, and things are going great. She's fantastic to look at, and you are enjoying the fun times. One day though, you wake up and notice that she's not doing it for you anymore. The attraction has faded, and you are left with someone who is a bit of a stranger.

You might be asking yourself how this happens, and how you can prevent it. I'll address both of those questions.

Understand that there are several types of attraction. There is the physical part, which everyone knows. That tends to fade over time, no matter how good looking she is. And to make things worse, we often tend to focus on what we DON'T like about a person, rather than what we do.

For a man, I think it's hard-wiring. We're born to be problem solvers. So we look at what we don't like about us and try to fix it. Unfortunately, a bit of that thinking leaks over into our relationships. It can be a bad thing, but know this - physical attraction can be resparked, and it's a wonderful thing when it does.

We'll get to that later. Let's look at the other components of attraction. The next part has to do with physical closeness. A close companion to the first part, it has to do with exciting our sense of touch.

Have you ever been with a woman who merely had to touch you to get you excited? It can be exhilarating. The touch says she wants you, is attracted to you, and later on, loves you.

It's a reassuring feeling, and serves to deepen our caring about the other person.

The next part is tricky. It has to do with our competence. In any relationship, you will have some sort of balance between the aspects each person brings forward. In general, you have people of the same "caliber" attracted to each other. It's a matter of what is important to them - intelligence, physical prowess, social skills, etc.

Take a celebrity couple, for example. They are provided the reassurance that stardom brings on a daily basis, so they don't intimidate each other, at least not on a massive scale. A person off the streets can't say the same thing, most of the time. Luckily, this is the least important and influential part of attraction.

Mutual liking is the next component, and it's easy to see. If someone likes you, you tend to like them more than if they didn't reciprocate the feeling. The exception is if that person turns out to be needy, then things get a bit scary in that aspect.

The last part is the complementary effect you have towards the other person. This can be confusing. Take a look at how you "complement" someone in a relationship. You might have similar likes, but you might behave in opposing manners. Or vice versa. It's how you work together as a whole. How do you mesh together?

Now that we've outlined what compromises attraction, let's look at what we can do to keep it going.

The first thing to remember is this: if it is going to fade, it will fade. That goes for either person. You can try and keep them attracted, but it might not always work.

On the physical end, there is much you can do. The first is obvious - physically try and keep yourself in shape. Many people slip during a relationship, and get out of shape. Or fail to take care of themselves. Your mate will take note of this. A bit of maintenance goes a long way.

Next, try to be objective about your relationship, and focus on what you DO like about your mate physically. This can't stop physical attraction from fading but you'll appreciate them more.

Another part of this is much harder to change, but it helps most of these aspects. Allow her to be herself. Sounds simple, but we find ways to control, and keep a firm grip on the other person. Often, out of fear that they'll leave us. It can be a self fulfilling prophecy. If you show yourself to be confident, and have taken a great interest in her as a person, she'll find it hard to stray.

Just allow her to do things that allow her to be her. If she's a flirt, let her! If you've done what you need to do, she'll come back to you.

As far as liking goes, if you do your diligence, and take an interest in her as a person, you'll find that you have someone who will remain loyal to you, and attracted as well.

Taking the time in finding ways to mesh, in the early going, will do wonders as far as attraction goes. Plus, you'll be way ahead of the curve. I'll go out on a limb and say that most relationships fail due to the inability to reconcile their differences in a civil manner. This is the root of being able to complement others! Thrive off the energy created by differences, instead to fighting it or hating it!

With some hard work and changes in you focus, you can allow attraction to expand for years or even decades. Take a look at an elderly couple for proof. Focus on the good, and good luck!

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